Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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