I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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