dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
