This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
