I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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