So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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