dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
