Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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