Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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