Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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