my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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