if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
