The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
