1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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