Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
