you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
