I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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