Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
