i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
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Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
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That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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