I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just found a bag of teeth...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
