If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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