The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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