Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
