he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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