when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
