it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
