I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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