The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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