I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
