U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
