kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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