I heard we made out
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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