when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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