just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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