Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
