I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
