I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
