You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
