I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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