im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
