this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
