Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
