Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize