glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
