from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
