He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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