I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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