So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
