Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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