i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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