ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
