i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
this boner is exhausting
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
