Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
