I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
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She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
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Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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