remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
this boner is exhausting
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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