I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
there is glitter all over my balls
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
