Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Randomize
