Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
