You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
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I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
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She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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